Proud Moments in Parenting

Todays proud parenting moment is brought to you by Laundry and the Letter V.

If you aren’t cool/stalkerish enough to Follow me on Facebook, here’s what you missed:
(Paraphrased and embellished for entertainments sake.)

Me: “One of my kids just managed to trap herself in the laundry hamper. And, no, it wasn’t the baby”

Husband: “I have no children”

12 Random Friends: “Like!”

5 Other Random Friends: “LOL!” (Glad it wasn’t MY kid!)*

Kid in Question: im rite here!

Me: Dear Child, If you don’t learn to spell “Right” correctly, I’ll lock you back in the hamper.

More Random Friends: “Like!” “LOL!”

Husband: Please take pictures for future blackmail use.

Me: I just totally grammarnazi’d my seven year old.

This is parenting at its finest, people.

*Ok, so they didn’t actually SAY this, but you KNOW they thought it.

Max Payne

I was all set to review Max Payne, and maybe make some snarky comments about how the Man thought that chick from that 70’s show was actually kind of hot in this movie, (a fact with which I actually I kind of agree)

But then it sucked so bad I lost my ability to speak, let alone type a coherent snarky review.

I wasn’t expecting much, to be honest. I mean, sorry, Marky Mark fans, but he’s just not…he’s just… wrong. Not a superhero. That 70’s show chick would have made a better superhero.

But I could have dealt with that, I mean, he did okay, but the plot was just… so bad.

So, so irredeemably bad.  So bad that I am at a loss for words. Me. Without snark. I can’t even make fun of the badness.

Let’s put it this way: I would rather watch 90210.

So, since I am on the subject… why the hell did that get picked back up?

No one, anywhere that I have seen or heard about or even heard rumors about has ever had anything nice to say about that train wreck of a show. I mean, yeah, of course I watch it, but  holy crap is it bad. And I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Every review I have read has been about how terrible the acting is, and how boring the plot is. Where is the OLD 90210 drama and excitement? For that matter, where are the characters we give a crap about? Annie is so selfish and vapid I kind of want to run her over with a truck. Or you know, watch her get humiliated, Carrie-style. Which I am sure will happen in season two, as they seem to be going through high school cliches in short order. Or wait, wasnt that the other boring-chick-with-the-fake-injuries prom story?

Whatever. I don’t even care. Anyway. My point is, please save my TV from bad media. Give me good TV and good movies.

Stop canceling the decent crap and forcing us all to watch reality TV and really terrible, shallow dramas about vapid, uninteresting twits. Stop trying to create an Idiocracy!

Specifically, don’t cancel Chuck.  Consider that a warning.

In Which I Attempt to Talk About Something Other Than Me.

It’s recently come to my attention that there is, in fact, a whole world outside of the confines of my head.  People out there doing stuff. Caring about stuff.  Maybe I should talk about some of that stuff, I thought to myself.

Except I have no idea what any of that stuff is.

So, I turned to the ever helpful Internets for my answer.

Internets, I said, What are the people caring about these days?

Well, there’s a LOT of sports going around. No, not Sporks. Sports. Several of Googles top trending topics involve Pro Football Talk, said the Internets. And apparently some football guy named Tom Brady got married.

Football? I said, Is that the one with the uniforms, and the ball shaped ball?

Sigh, the Internets sighed. How about this “No Easter egg hunt this year” thing?

The picture with the watermelons on the whitehouse lawn?

The very same.

Oh. Um. It’s crappy and in bad taste. And the guy who made it is pretty fucking stupid for sending it out. You know, being a politician and all. Next?

Some chick got lots of piercings? She’s being called the “Most Pierced Woman” The Internets point.

I’ve got more metal in my fillings. Yawn.

Ok, How about this woman whos been married 23 times? She has a Guinness record, apparently.

All that divorcing sounds like hard work. I barely survived one divorce, I can’t imagine dealing with 23 ex-husbands. Also, like how I managed to bring it back to me there?

What about the new discovery of the  increased risk of developing tardive dyskinesia when taking certain…

Internets, I’m going to stop you right there. We all know I’m not allowed to google health problems anymore, and besides, I’ve probably taken every medication ON that list so..*twitch* Shit! See! This is why I don’t pay attention to other stuff!

Things These Fuckers Have Eaten:Part Eleventy Hundre…er Two? Really? OK. Two.

Yep. These fuckers, they are still eating things. I admit, I have been known to perhaps bait them with a screaming monkey now and again:

But these next two, well these two were entirely the fault of the child, who likes to, erm, play with the dogs when she should be sleeping.  And by play, I mean “taunt them with toys until they want nothing more than to eat out the eyes the second she falls asleep”:

Before we found him, stuffed in the box spring, (Yes, the one they ate the fabric off of the first time) We found his eyes.

Man: Hey, um, why is there an eye on the floor right here?

Me: Argh! Fuckers!

Fuckers: We’re going to casually walk behind the couch for a minute. Not sure what we did, but it’s best to look innocent.

Me: !

Fuckers: It could have been worse. See:

Fuckers: We could have eaten his ass and his eyes.

Me: This is me, NOT GIVING YOU A MILKBONE. BAD DOGS!

At this point they both shrugged, and muttered something about being full already anyway. On account of whatever this was, I assume:

and a side of carpet:

Not News

Here are some headlines you might have  missed:

<Italics and pictures and snarky hover comments added by me>

Portly ‘Ninja’ Tries To Steal ATMs In Fla.

Deputies Seek Pot-Bellied Man Wearing Ninja Outfit

Here is an artists rendering of the suspect:

Baby Moose Falls Through Wash. Family’s Window

Calf Reunited With Mother, Sibling

Normal, Ill., Couple Weds At Taco Bell

Groom Calls Relationship ‘Offbeat’

The “Yo Quero Taco Bell” dog and his mate make an appearance as ring bearer and flower dog.

George the 140-year-old lobster to be released by New York restaurant

A New York restaurant has said it will free a 140-year-old lobster nicknamed George that was caught in the Atlantic Ocean two weeks ago

In recent news, Cute Cat Eaten By Huge Lobster. Lobster later gave PETA the finger ( possibly, its hard to tell with claws) and could be heard muttering “suckers” under his breath as he scuttled away. Cat will be missed.

Why? Really… Why?

So, I just heard the best little bit of information. (Thanks, Fake News!)

Joe the plumber has decided to go to Gaza. Yes. Really. I know.

When I heard about this I has to look it up because it just seemed to insane to be true.  Alas, it appears to be a fact. Some site named after Pajamas is sending him to Israel. Because, yeah, that’s what this situation needs, some asshole who’s fifteen minutes of fame need to be over already, wandering around in the middle of a conflict saying shit like ” God will protect me because I am Christian.”

Well, O.K, what he actually said was:

“Being a Christian, I’m pretty well protected by God, I believe. That’s not saying he’s going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance,” he added.

Which, may possibly be more offensive and ignorant.

I have several questions, but at the top of the list is “Who the hell is this guy anyway?” and “Why do we care what he has to say?”

Does he even know anything about the situation? Does he have any idea what is going on over there? You know what? Even if he does… I just don’t care. I have no interest whatsoever in his opinion. Is there some reporter shortage I have not yet heard about? Have we run out of all qualified and semi-qualified people to send over there, and now we must resort to sending our conservative plumbers?  We need this guy to explain to us why Israeli forces are mounting attacks against Hamas? Really? Pajamacom couldn’t find anyone even slightly more appropriate or relevant?

He may be Mr. Everyman here, (So Fox News keeps telling us, anyway) but what makes him think the people over there are going to want to talk to him, specifically?

Maybe I’m biased against him, because I have a hard time believing that anyone who thinks Sarah Palin is the “real deal” could not be completely insane.

I just don’t get it.

Picture shamelessly borrowed from daylife.com

Just to lighten the mood:

Here. It’s very old but never fails to make me smile.

(Admittedly, because I am a bitch who likes to laugh at other people’s expense sometimes.)

So, You’d Like to Take a Picture?

My subject was a simple one. The wooden castle that the kid had received  as a holiday gift. The mission? A still photo using the color intensifying effect built into the camera. Today I spent working with red, and wandering around my house searching for things with bits of red in them to highlight. And the castle seemed like a likely subject.

All was quiet and everyone was occupied elsewhere. I settled down on the floor and snapped a few shots to frame my subject:

(As always, hover-snark enabled. Mouse over for commentary)

My! What a lovely castle, you might think! I’d love to see more!

Wait.. what’s that?

Dog: Were you trying to take a picture of this thing? I wanna see!

Kid: Hey Mom! What are you doing? taking a picture of a castle? Cool! Hey, you know what this picture needs Mommy?

An incredibly ugly cow penguin thing! Yes!

Oh! And also:

And X-Wing fighter! And a dog’s ass!

Perfect!

At which point I give in.

Lovely!

An Addendum to the Klutz Post

After I wrote this, someone was kind enough to point out that I had forgotten  several choice incidents. So, in the interest of full disclosure here, and because I don’t think I can possibly lower your opinions of my balance and walking prowess, here you go:

When I was a kid, I stepped on a stick. The stick swung up, hit me in the leg and lodged 2 inches into my calf. It took my mom (and various doctors) months to get the splinters all out. It was old bamboo, if you need to know.

On the way out of a friends house, I tried to jot out the door quickly so as not to let her cat out and ended up missing a step, and landing on the inside of my ankle, twisting it outward. I was on crutches for weeks after that one.

One day, I stepped on a piece of glass. Thinking it a small splinter, I pulled it straight out, not realizing it was curved like a hook. Blood everywhere, and several stitches that time.

I dropped a can of green beans on my foot.

I hit myself in the head with part of the metal Kirby vacuum cleaner, and bruised my face.

I’m told I closed a car door on my head once, but I don’t actually remember this, perhaps due to the concussion.

New Year festivities in PandoLand

( As always, mouse over  pics for sarcastic comments)

So, last night we ventured out of the house early to have some dinner. We decided to stop at the local place, mainly because I wanted to take pictures of weird stuff  for you people. But also,  they have good fried pickles and its pretty festive: The menu is typical of what you will find in many places in the south, but because I am not from the south I find it rather amusing and feel the need to take pictures of it while the other patrons laugh at my tourist-ish nature.

Especially when the walls of the place are adorned with large plastic gators, turtles, and manatee for some odd reason.

The kids menu is thankfully free of frogs and alligator, and they were kind enough to bring her some pictures to color.

Also, have I mentioned the fried pickles? My arteries hardened just looking at them:

And, in case you weren’t happy with the menu’s selection, you were free to go catch your own lobster, via the “lobster claw” machine out front. Really:

Not that I could have brought myself to eat anything out of that tank, but it was broken anyway. Maybe next time, Mr. Lobster.

All in all, it was quite fun, and when we came home, I forced the man to go blow up some cheezy crap I’d picked up from the local grocery store. Fortunately, none of it removed any limbs.  But it mostly only did this:

And then:

Which was all well and good and actually quite thrilling until the neighbors came out, with their fancy shit:

…And made our fireworks feel sorry for themselves.

Oh yes, I also took some sideways video of the kid explaining what a firework does. I’ll spare you the sideways-ness for now, but, yes, it does end with “PaKoosh!”

And, of course, I spent about 20 minutes trying to take a picture of myself that did not look like this:

Alas, I did not succed.  Happy New Year!