So yeah, I said I didn’t want to whine about my health. And I still don’t, but it is relevant to this post. Sorry.
I have been in my own world lately. Mainly on the internets, because that is what I am limited to by health and finances. I am told I am not being fair to the Kid or the Man. I have been asked if they are not enough for me.
The answer, is no. They are not.
I know, it sounds shitty. I’m ignoring my family for the Internet. And trying to justify it by blogging about it.
Let me explain anyway. I have spent my entire life taking care of other people. From childhood on up, I have been putting me last and everyone else first. I had a boyfriend move in with me when we were sixteen and I had a child of my own by age nineteen. I gave up having an education, a career, friends, and a life of my own. It was my choice, and I don’t regret my children. Yes, sometimes I felt unfulfilled but most of the time I was content. I just figured I would have those things, eventually. Someday, when the kids were older, I would be able to travel. I would be able to see some of the places I’d dreamed about. I’d be able to explore the world, and maybe, just maybe leave MY mark on it. I’d be able to live my life. Maybe have a career, or make some art. Experience some things.
But, now, things are different. Even if I live for the next ten years, and eventually the pain stops, like I’m told will eventually happen, what they keep forgetting to mention is that when the pain stops, my pancreas will be dead. Which will bring about a whole new fun round of issues for me to deal with. None of which is going to enable me to travel and live out my dreams. And even if I were perfectly healthy, It’s really hitting home for me just how much our time here is measured. We could all die tomorrow. And I’m wasting precious seconds. I feel like my life is sand that is slipping through my fingers, faster and faster each day.
While I don’t hate being at home and caring for the kid and being with the man, I do need something else. Something for me. Something besides cooking and cleaning and being sick and bitchy and in pain. I’m trying desperately to find something I can do. Some way to leave my mark. I want to be someone. Not just someones mom, or someones girlfriend, or someones ex-wife.
This does not mean I am not happy with my life or the relationship I have, or grateful my child, because I am, incredibly. I can’t say it enough. This is not about anyone but me. Maybe I am being selfish and not giving everyone around me what they need right now. In fact I know I am, to some extent. I know they are taking the brunt of my emotional fucking rollercoaster as well. I just don’t have much to give lately. And I know I should be enjoying every second of time I do have with those I love, with those that love me, as well. And I am trying. But I need more. I need to find a way. I want the kids to be able to say something about me other than:
” This was my mom, she was sick, and then she died.”
And, no, a Motrin would not help. STFU about Motrin, plzkthx. There’s wayyyy more important things to be up at arms about. When I wake up and see this story in every. Single. Blog. I read. I can not tell you how sad that makes me. If we could all just use our powers for good. Jesus. You got a company to pull an ad because it offended you. Imagine what you could do about something that actually mattered, if you tried. Yeah, the ad was lame. But still. Go twitter about a REAL issue and make some real change.