Tag Archives: Humor

Presents.

This weeks collection of weird/stupid stuff:

First, there’s this spectacularly, awesomely distasteful song, courtesy of SNL. ( It’s NSFW and probably not appropriate around children) I’m sure you have probably seen it, as it has been virally spreading all month, but I couldn’t resist linking it yet again. It’s just that bad.

This link, originally posted on ThinkGeek’s Twitter, kinda makes my eyes bleed.

Upon the leaking of the now infamous shoe video, many parodies were spawned. This one is full of win, maybe. You tell me.

Tragic, yet, also…

What the hell? Courtesy of Papagolash.

For the two NIN fans reading, serious lols here. Here too.

Also, because I love to shamelessly self promote, here are  my three most popularhumorposts to keep you busy while I am off doing holiday type things.

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A Letter to Some of the Programs I DVR

I’m sorry TeeVee. You know I ❤  you. I really do. I hate to do this. But, alas, there is only so much time in my life, and I am running out of space. So, some of you are going to have to go. I might come back to you, in DVD form sometime. Maybe. But don’t hold your breath.

It was a tough choice, but I had to do it. The following shows have not made the cut.

CSI- New York. Really, I tried to care, I did, but I just don’t. I care so little that I am at least ten episodes behind and I have no idea if Stella has the AIDS or not.  And I just can’t make myself care, no matter how hard I try. And, CSI Miami, you are on thin ice. There better be some good shit in those five episodes I have waiting to be watched. Like, you better actually kill Horatio or something. I’m talking epic here.

The “New” 90210. I only started watching this because, well, come on, it’s 90210. But while the old 90210 was full of juicy high school  crap and bad hair to make fun of, this one just makes me want to slit arteries and stick sporks in my eyes for good measure.

Law and Order: SVU. I only started watching this because every time I read a write up of the most popular shows out there, the Law and Orders and CSI’s are up there and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I came in last season and I still can’t figure out if the chick with the name is doing the guy with the anger management issues or not. I didn’t HATE this show, so I may catch back up via DVD at a later date, but as it stands now, I just can’t bring myself to watch the backlog of episodes. But for now, I think im sticking with NCIS to fill my crime solving needs.

Numb3rs: I enjoy this show when I do watch it, sort of. But I have nine episodes I haven’t watched cluttering up my hard drive. And I just, never have a moment when I  sit down and say, ” Gee, I’d sure like to watch some Numb3rs”. I just don’t.

Heroes: Don’t hate me, Everyone in the World.  But you know, when you stop recording something because it conflicts with Samantha Who, you are just not that into it. I mean, Samantha Who is a shitty 30 minute sitcom. I hate 30 Minute sitcoms. (The list of shows that I watch that are 30 minutes long is very short, and with the exception of Liz Lemon and Stewart/Colbert,  entirely animated. I feel the 30 minute sit-com is mainly a waste of my time. If you can’t devote an hour to entertaining me, why should I bother? Um, OK,  /Rant off)

Where am I? Oh. Yes.  I’d rather watch shitty sit-coms than Heroes. I think when Mohinder super-glued the guy to his wall with his bug-goo or whatever, the show just lost all plausibility for me.  I mean, I can handle the flying, and the invisible men and the making peoples eyes bleed black for no apparent reason.  The spider goo? Not so much.  Also, I keep getting this urge to go to church every time I watch an episode, for some strange reason. That’s not to say I won’t also go back to this on DVD after fifty more people tell me OMGZORS !!11! You HAVE  to watch it! Because, then I probably will. Peer pressure and all that. But for now, you are cut. And I feel no shame about it.

Eleventh Hour: To be honest, it was kind of a toss up between Eleventh Hour and Fringe. I’m pretty much a sucker for the Sci-Fi-mystery-type, (as evidinced by the fact that I actually sat through the  latest X-Files movie.) I have not actually watched either show in quite some time, but there is at least a chance I will watch Fringe again once I run out of everything else I want to watch first. I don’t feel that Eleventh Hour has that chance. Sorry.

On warning:

CSI: Miami: (See : CSI: New York)

Fringe:  More cow, please.

The Mentalist: Make me care a tad more and we will be good. Buy me flowers or something.

Prison Break: I’ve stuck with you  through the god-awfulness that was Sona (Soma? Sofa? Whatever.) And the incredibly grisly fake killing of Sara, I even accepted that you had your reasons for not killing off  “T-Bag”. I stuck with you long after The Man gave you up. Don’t make me regret it.

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Dear Amazon

Dear Amazon.com,
I know its holiday time and things must be pretty busy around there, but I have a small problem. You see, I recently placed in order with you that finished up my shopping. And I received most of my items as scheduled, except for one. I came to check online, only to find that this “item” had been supposedly sent in the  first box. Now, Unless it is hidden inside the box of Legos we are going to be giving my child for Hanukkah, It does not appear to actually be in that box. So, unless you would like my husband to have a very unhappy holiday indeed, please send another “Screaming O Vibrating Bullet” at once. Thank you. And Happy Holidays.

Yes, I really sent this.  Also, no, he’s not technically my husband, but it was easier than explaining our reltionship to this random stranger who already knows wayyy too much about my life based on my past shopping history. Yeah.

Update: They responded in the normal ” Thank you for contacting us”  form-letter manner, in case you were wondering.

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Things these fuckers have eaten, Part One.

Welcome to the wonderful world of “Shit the animals in my life have eaten.”This week

I’m sharing  this with you because it is much better than telling you about my morning, which consisted of this:

Ugh

And then an awesome hour of me holding my breath and trying not to simultaneously puke and shit myself. I know it sounds like a super fun night in some circles but trust me, this was anything but.

Anyway, on to the beasts. They may look innocent, but as we all know, looks can deceive.

Don't let his size fool you.No one is innocent here.Dog

Don’t buy how peaceful they all appear, for every single one of them is guilty.

Consider, exhibit A:

The wall

One day the big one, well, she just decided to eat the wall. For no apparent reason it seems, other than the fact that it was there.

And then there was the bed. We caught her laying on her back, all four feet in the air, with her head under the bed, just.. eating the box spring. WTF!?!

Why? Whyyyy?

I think the most random thing they have eaten so far is the vent on the outside of the house:

img_3130

There was once a hard plastic shield over this… we have no clue what prompted her to stand there and chew this off the side of the house.

Anyway,  aside from my network cable,

img_3143

…Toys are the favorite, hands down.  We have to generally throw those away before the kid sees them and we are forced to hold little depressing toy funerals while the child weeps,  so there not much photo evidence left. However, some are simply too good to toss. Witness, Princess Leia, minus her arms and feet.

This is not the dog toy you are looking for.

Also, lest you think the cat was innocent, she has a thing for eating the feet, tails and heads off any of the millions of squishy bug toys the child brings into the house.

Aah! Headless Lizards!

And then throwing up feet and heads in random places. Yum.

That is all.

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