Tag Archives: Musings

A Letter to Some of the Programs I DVR

I’m sorry TeeVee. You know I ❤  you. I really do. I hate to do this. But, alas, there is only so much time in my life, and I am running out of space. So, some of you are going to have to go. I might come back to you, in DVD form sometime. Maybe. But don’t hold your breath.

It was a tough choice, but I had to do it. The following shows have not made the cut.

CSI- New York. Really, I tried to care, I did, but I just don’t. I care so little that I am at least ten episodes behind and I have no idea if Stella has the AIDS or not.  And I just can’t make myself care, no matter how hard I try. And, CSI Miami, you are on thin ice. There better be some good shit in those five episodes I have waiting to be watched. Like, you better actually kill Horatio or something. I’m talking epic here.

The “New” 90210. I only started watching this because, well, come on, it’s 90210. But while the old 90210 was full of juicy high school  crap and bad hair to make fun of, this one just makes me want to slit arteries and stick sporks in my eyes for good measure.

Law and Order: SVU. I only started watching this because every time I read a write up of the most popular shows out there, the Law and Orders and CSI’s are up there and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I came in last season and I still can’t figure out if the chick with the name is doing the guy with the anger management issues or not. I didn’t HATE this show, so I may catch back up via DVD at a later date, but as it stands now, I just can’t bring myself to watch the backlog of episodes. But for now, I think im sticking with NCIS to fill my crime solving needs.

Numb3rs: I enjoy this show when I do watch it, sort of. But I have nine episodes I haven’t watched cluttering up my hard drive. And I just, never have a moment when I  sit down and say, ” Gee, I’d sure like to watch some Numb3rs”. I just don’t.

Heroes: Don’t hate me, Everyone in the World.  But you know, when you stop recording something because it conflicts with Samantha Who, you are just not that into it. I mean, Samantha Who is a shitty 30 minute sitcom. I hate 30 Minute sitcoms. (The list of shows that I watch that are 30 minutes long is very short, and with the exception of Liz Lemon and Stewart/Colbert,  entirely animated. I feel the 30 minute sit-com is mainly a waste of my time. If you can’t devote an hour to entertaining me, why should I bother? Um, OK,  /Rant off)

Where am I? Oh. Yes.  I’d rather watch shitty sit-coms than Heroes. I think when Mohinder super-glued the guy to his wall with his bug-goo or whatever, the show just lost all plausibility for me.  I mean, I can handle the flying, and the invisible men and the making peoples eyes bleed black for no apparent reason.  The spider goo? Not so much.  Also, I keep getting this urge to go to church every time I watch an episode, for some strange reason. That’s not to say I won’t also go back to this on DVD after fifty more people tell me OMGZORS !!11! You HAVE  to watch it! Because, then I probably will. Peer pressure and all that. But for now, you are cut. And I feel no shame about it.

Eleventh Hour: To be honest, it was kind of a toss up between Eleventh Hour and Fringe. I’m pretty much a sucker for the Sci-Fi-mystery-type, (as evidinced by the fact that I actually sat through the  latest X-Files movie.) I have not actually watched either show in quite some time, but there is at least a chance I will watch Fringe again once I run out of everything else I want to watch first. I don’t feel that Eleventh Hour has that chance. Sorry.

On warning:

CSI: Miami: (See : CSI: New York)

Fringe:  More cow, please.

The Mentalist: Make me care a tad more and we will be good. Buy me flowers or something.

Prison Break: I’ve stuck with you  through the god-awfulness that was Sona (Soma? Sofa? Whatever.) And the incredibly grisly fake killing of Sara, I even accepted that you had your reasons for not killing off  “T-Bag”. I stuck with you long after The Man gave you up. Don’t make me regret it.

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Gratitute and Attitude.

A long time ago, I tried to sell Mary Kay. I know. I KNOW.

But, someone I trusted thought maybe I could do it, thought so enough to buy me a starter kit and mentor me in a very big way. It didn’t work out, needless to say, but I am still  very grateful that she cared enough to try.  Not only am I not the kind to talk to strangers or pester relatives to buy from me,(not to mention the god aspect of it all) but I really don’t even know how to work makeup, unless you’d like to fit in at a Marilyn Manson concert.

I digress again. The point is, along with my starter kit, came an inspirational gold pin inscribed with the phrase “Attitude is Everything”.

Even though the rest of the stuff is long, long gone, given away to others who had the selling abilities I clearly lack, I still keep that pin. Because, as cliched and self-help-ish as that phrase may sound, well, attitude is everything.

As you may be aware from clicking the links at the top of the page here, I have been through some shit. I have some baggage.  While all I have to do is click over to the news to see that I am by far, luckier than millions, I still suffer from being forced to deal with my own life.

I try very very hard to not let my past and my problems take over. I struggle every day with waking up and trying to remember that I have things to be grateful for. That’s why there are so many pictures on here. The pictures are for me, to remind me of the things in my life that are good and wonderful and special Not to mention cute and fuzzy. Even the darker pictures on here are meant to show the beauty that lies within everything,  yes, even dead bugs.

But lately, with the holidays, I have been having a harder time seeing the bright side of things. The Man tells me that while he enjoys my writing, he does not enjoy the rants like this one.

I feel I need to clarify that I did write that post in a response to an article I came across that I didn’t link to because I did not want to give it traffic, it was that bad, and now I can’t find it.

Anyway, Ranting Pando comes off as somewhat butter and hate filled sometimes. I’m aware of it. I have been feeling angry at the world lately and its leaking out into other things. I’m sorry. Attitude is everything, and I’m working on changing mine.

Speaking of gratitude, did I mention I won a Wii and Wii fit? I did?  I still can’t believe it. This day has been full of win. I also got free chocolate in the mail. Best. Day. Ever .

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Filed under Gratitude, Rants, Rambling, and Musing.

Parenting is Hard

I know,  it’s common knowledge that parenting is a tough job. And more and more people out in the interwebs are willing to admit that being a mom is not always sunshine and kisses. There are days, weeks, even months where you feel like you aren’t going to make it. Where you feel like they made a mistake and gave you the wrong kid. Where you think there was a clerical error in the parenting degree department and you really failed that qualification test. (What’s that you say? They don’t actually have tests? Well. Perhaps they should.)

I admit to having moments where I changed my mind. Hell, I changed my mind when I was in labor. “Um. You want me to what? Screw you guys. I’m going home.

I came dangerously close to losing it completely during the first few months with two kids under two, when one of them was beating her head against the wall (she was autistic, we just didn’t know it yet) and the other screamed night and day because she had that lovely unspecified wonder that is colic.

Some of the issues are expected, the sleepless nights and the crying. The tantrums and the terrible twos.  Some of them, not so much. People don’t usually talk about the ‘roids, and the please-don’t-do-that-in-public conversations.

As the kids get older, the problems change. You get to sleep more usually, but you have to deal with a whole new range of problems. How do you deal with a bully at school?  What about when they have their first broken heart? Not to mention algebra.

Most of this,  the spoken and the unspoken, is common to most parents. There are some difficulties specific to special needs parents, but generally, they are shared among other parents of kids with similar problems. And if you google just about any problem, you’ll probably find a blog somewhere written by someone who has been through it before. You are not alone.

Sometimes, I feel a little bit isolated over here though.

Lately, the impending holidays have been giving me some interesting new problems to deal with. For instance: How do you explain to a child who is constantly bombarded with Christmas, that she does not get to celebrate it the way everyone else does? That there will be no Santa? How do you make her feel that her holiday will be just as special and magical as everyone else, even without the Fat Man? How do you keep her from feeling left out? How do you buy things your kid will love while avoiding all of the  shitty plastic toys being pushed on little girls today?  (Speaking of shitty plastic toys, save the indie toys)

And how do you shop for kids without having any idea what they already have, what they like, or what size they wear? Do you send them gift cards or cash, as impersonal and depressing as that seems? What do you do when you have no idea if they will even get the gifts you send, or if they do, know they are from you? (A few years back, I got to take them shopping during my one visit per year I was allowed. We let them point out things they liked. and went back later to get them. We dropped them off at his mothers house the next morning, where I found she had gone out after we left for the evening, and bought and given them the exact things they picked out, even though she knew I had already bought them. Just to take away the one thing I was able to do for them that year. And another year, I was told they were not given my letters because the pictures of Myself and their sister might have made them feel bad.) What do you do if you fear their father will take any cash or gift cards you send them and use it on himself? Do you send nothing, knowing that it will only be used against you later?

Sigh. Parenting is hard. Need better manual. Need help.

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Filed under Festive Things, Rants, Rambling, and Musing., The Kid, and The Other Kids.

Highlights of my life this week, in case you are too busy to stalk me via Twitter.

The appropriate thing to do with the Ghostbusters tag that came off of the shirt you bought your boyfriend for his birthday is throw it away. Not decoupage it to an end table.

Chicken giblets should always be in a bag. Always. And if the liver should fall down the garbage disposal, let it go.

I watch too much stupid television.

I spend way too much time on the internet. But I’m not the only one.

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Begging for Free Stuff (Or: Why I deserve a Wii Fit!)

Hi.

In case we haven’t met, I am Pando. And I am a gamer.  I know that female gamers are not all that rare anymore, but I’m more than just a gamer.

I’m the girl who used to steal quarters from under the couch cushions and sneak out to play Street Fighter in the arcade at the local convenience store with all the gamer boys when I was eleven. I grew up with a Nintendo controller firmly in hand.

Hell, I even have a Nintendo purse.

Yes, really:

Geek Chic

I am a grown woman, people. But I carry this with pride.

The Guy is a gamer too, so when we moved in together I was in heaven. New games! New systems! He had an X-box, and knew how to use it, which was very much a point in his favor, I might add.

We jumped in to our gaming relationship But we immediately found a setback.  There is a surprisingly sad lack of games for the new systems that can be played together. Back in the Nintendo days, every game had a glowing two player option. But not anymore. It seemed like finding a game with a decent co-op mode was just too much to ask for, unless we wanted to compete. And we didn’t really. He cries when I beat him at stuff.

So we stopped playing together.

When the new new systems came out,  we went out and we looked at them all.  We really thought it would give us something for us to do as a couple and as a family. But Wii’s were never in stock, anywhere so we never did choose to hunt one down and pay more than we could afford for it.

Sigh. We made the wrong choice. The stories started coming back from our friends about how much fun they were having with the Wii they got for their children. Hell, they could even play Tennis. Without even leaving their house. (Which is a big deal if you live in Florida where it is only cool enough to leave the house for one month out of  the year.)

So, I was already kicking myself about the choice not to buy a Wii. And then I read about Wii Fit.

Wow.

You probably know already that I’m sick. And, while I don’t want to play the “I have a chronic illness so give me stuff or I’ll die” card, my illness does factor in to my ability to exercise outside of my home.  I need, desperately, to move. To get myself in shape so that I can handle this better, physically and mentally. But even going for walks is a lot for me, because of the fickle nature of my issues. I’m, frankly, terrified of being struck with symptoms while far away from home. And not being able to walk back.  Add to that, the fear of being stuck somewhere with my five-year-old and I rarely even try anymore.

We have a set of weight lifting equipment in the garage that I don’t use anymore, because I just can’t stand to sit alone out there.  I try to use workout videos, but frankly, it has become mind numbingly boring. The same goes for yoga, which I was once incredibly passionate about. I think part of it is the depression over being sick, and I need to get out of that rut somehow. I know being fit would dramatically improve my life, I just haven’t been able  to find a way.

So, when I saw the Wii Fit, my first response was “OMG, we neeeeeed that.” I could actually do that. We could do it together!

As it is now, my daughter hangs out in her room with her toys most nights,  one of  us watches television and the other sits in the office and screws around on the computer. (Guess which one of us that is?)

We are all gamers, and we just need a game that can bring us together. We need something we can do as a family,  and this system seems to be doing that, incredibly well, for everyone we know who owns one. And the fact that it could potentially change my life, health-wise is a pretty damn great plus!

Today, when I checked my feed reader, and saw this post, it seemed almost like fate. You see, we went  NDSHCSH shopping this weekend. And they had a Wii in stock(!) at Target!

And so I stood in the aisle, guarding the last one, for a  good twenty minutes while we talked about it.

” We can get one, but, that will be it for the holidays.” he tells me.

” I want that!” I shriek, like a little girl.

“It’s up to you” he says.

I waver.  I waffle. I ponder.  Because while I know that the three of us will get so much use, and I personally, stand to benefit immensely from this machine.

But, no. I can’t in good conscience, spend the money on that machine when I still have my two lost children to buy for. When I still need dental work, and glasses and a new computer. And bills. Oh, god, the bills.

While we are doing better than many this year, we  are still feeling the pain of the current economy. Yes, we still have a home, for which we are incredibly grateful.  But,  a game system plus accessories just isn’t in the budget right now. Frankly, nothing is in the budget right now. Even though he told me the decision was up to me, and I know he wouldn’t have held it against me if I had chosen to charge one right then and pay for it later somehow. I know we are already charging ourselves to the limits to afford our relatively lean holiday season as it is. And I am an adult, with responsibilities. (Yeah, its not all it’s cracked up to be.)

So, I walked away from my Wii. With me being unable to work anymore, I just can’t justify spending hundreds of dollars on it. No matter how much we would love one.  So I finally just… walked away.

And I’m sure it was the right choice, but I can’t help but want to try to win one. Because how incredibly awesome would that be?

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Filed under Rants, Rambling, and Musing.

Not alone

It is nice to know that I am not the only person in the world who has had to shit in a trashbag.

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Filed under Posts About Poo, Snark

Highlights of life on my planet.

Oh, god, I have to do the poo test again. Oh god.  Fuck you universe, Fuck youuuuu.

Ok, now that I have gotten that out of my system. We are getting ready for nondenominationalholidaylikecelebrationofseasonsandalsohanukkahhere.  ( or NDSHCSH, for short)

It’s not as easy as you’d think to have  the  holidays without Jesus, or Santa. Especially with a five year old who now goes to public school. Where they apparently, talk about God. Yes, even though that is not supposed to happen. We live in the South, people.  When she came home near Thanksgiving, with a paper that said she was thankful for “god”, I was encouraged to let it slide. We figured she might not have understood the question and so one of the teachers made some suggestions about what she could be thankful for.

How about “I’m thankful for my mother, for putting up with my crap and loving me anyway?” Or even, “I’m thankful for my house, or for the fact that we can afford dinner?

Okay, maybe these ideas were over her head at this point, but still. I think they should not have given her a suggestion to be thankful for something that she has absolutely no concept of.  And had her write it on something we are supposed to cherish  and keep. I asked her, when I saw it, if she even knew what god was, and she shrugged and said no. And then when she came home from her field trip to the farm, and told me the trip was “.. a miracle.” I just sighed.  “Do you even know what a miracle is?” I asked. ” Nope” she replied, ” But Stephanie’s Mom said so.”

It’s not that I hate god so very much that I don’t want his name mentioned in my child’s presence. (Ask me how I feel about most organized religion some other day) It’s just that I do not think it is anyone’s place but ours to teach her about these things. And it is certainly not the responsibility of a teacher or some room mom to tell my kid that she should be thankful for some magical being in the sky who she has no concept of, whatsoever.

Chances are high that she is going to be raised with at least some knowledge of Judaism, and its rituals. She will probably even participate in some of them herself. And when she is old enough to really understand, we will teach her about the different religions, and also about what we, respectively, believe. And let her decide. She can make an educated choice. But it will be her choice. Not yours. Not even mine. No matter how much I want it to be mine.

I really do try to respect other peoples beliefs, or at least their right to have them, no matter how I feel about them. I really wish people would respect mine. That’s not to say I don’t talk about I feel about some of it (because I clearly do this far too often), just that I recognize that other people have the right to think/believe/pray to whatever they want. (And I have the right to make fun of it if I so choose.)

The point is, I don’t go around, trying to convert people to my way of thinking. So,  please stop doing it to me (and my kid). Stop telling me I should worship like you, or I’m going to hell.

A- I don’t believe in your hell, and

B-What do you care what I believe anyway? How does it affect your life? At all? Same goes for my kid. Leave her alone. Especially in school.

So, now that I have gone off on a tangent, let me get back to my point. We have a tree. We have stockings even, because its fun. We also have a menorah. We don’t have angels, or mangers or bible stories. We have stripped it down to the basic pagan roots, we have a tree, we bake stuff, we give each other gifts, usually on Hanukkah, with stockings for Yule, which usually ends up being Christmas anyway.

We don’t actually do Santa though. We have talked about it, and really, I have no problem with Santa, as he is mostly an obviously fictitious pagan deity based on a crazy guy who may or may not existed, and really has nothing to do with Christ, or God.

O.K. On rereading that, he does sound rather Christ-Like.

My point is, he’s not really part of the whole miracle-that-is-Christ’s-birth part of Christmas, and he is supposed to be fun. But, as the UnHusband pointed out, neither of us technically celebrate Christmas, so why should we do the whole Santa thing?

The part of me that grew up with the joys of Santa is a bit saddened by the taking away of that little bit of magic from the kid. Which is totally hypocritical, I know. But still. Its hard to let go of something you grew up with. I understand that. (I think if I grew up in a highly religious family, I’d have had a harder time letting that stuff go as well too.)

Maybe. Or maybe not, since people generally admit that Santa does not in fact, actually exist. That he is just for fun, just a symbol.

I just hope she does not go to school and ruin it for the other kids. How do I approach that? Tell her to lie to other kids? Or lie to her myself and tell her Menorahs are Santa-Kryptonite and Santa can’t come to your house if you have one?

Sigh.

Um, getting back to topic, (I can haz a topic?) We decorated last Friday. And had the traditional fight that lasted all of Saturday and Sunday. Ahh the holidays, just like Mom used to make.

The tree looks absolutely awesome, if I do say so myself, and, well, See for yourself. This is what the “holidays” are really about, to me. Not this, this:

img_3289

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Filed under Posts About Poo, Rants, Rambling, and Musing., The Kid, and The Other Kids.