Last night, I wrote a very long post, about my children. It was one of those things I needed to write, but that I probably do not need to post.
You see, I’ve recently had another, let down crushing defeat. I got my hopes up that someone was going to be able to help me, that something was going to get done. And then had those hopes crushed.
And, if you can’t tell from my writing lately, I just can’t handle it any more. I know, it sounds incredibly selfish, but it’s the truth.
I love them, so very much. I miss them with all of my being, and my soul, well, my soul is always going to have this hole in it. Even if, 10 years from now (provided I’m alive then) we are finally over this and have a relationship, this will always be there. I have missed five years, five years of their lives. And counting. Nothing is ever, ever going to make up for that. Nothing is ever going to give us that time back.
Now, his mother is claiming the youngest has Reactive Attachment Disorder, (which, frankly, I doubt for many reasons, but that’s a different rant entirely.) They also claim she has ADHD. And that this is all somehow my fault. (Of course) Um, she wasn’t broken when I left her with you people. And yes, losing a parent from their lives at a young age, can cause problems, but fuck… Don’t you get it?
It didn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way, and these people, well, they make me sick. How can they not see that what they are doing is so wrong? Everything they do makes it worse for those kids. They don’t give a fuck what is best for them, they just care about having control.
These kids are visibly suffering because I am not allowed to be in their lives. How can they not see this? They just want to keep throwing blame on everyone but themselves, instead of trying to, oh, I don’t know, fix the problem. (And, I’m not saying I’m blameless in this, I will be the first to admit I’ve made mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for those mistakes and I live with the consequences of them every fucking second of my life.)
Don’t you think, that if they cared for those kids half as much as they claim to, they would be working with me to find a way for this to work, to find a way to help make this easier on them. Putting their needs first. Instead of lying about everything under the sun, calling me names and telling me what a fucking failure I am while simultaneously destroying the lives of two children. If it were you, and your child was having problems and missing one of their parents, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to fix it?
I left him, not them, and him and his mother need to get over this fucking petty ridiculous bullshit and step the fuck up and do what is BEST for these kids. How can they not realize how much more damage they are doing by wallowing in their hate and self-rightousness?
So, um, yeah, you can see why I shied away from posting a whole long post about the girls and what is going on with them. (Hmmn, wait…)
Nothing I do makes a difference. And I simply can not think about it every second of every day. I will fucking lose it. Selfish, maybe, but I’m also thinking of the family I do have. They need me sane. I will probably write about it here from time to time, because, I need a place to vent. I need to get it out, because otherwise it will eat me alive.