Monthly Archives: February 2009

Things fall apart

Last night, I wrote a very long post, about my children. It was one of those things I needed to write, but that I probably do not need to post.

You see, I’ve recently had another,  let down crushing defeat. I got my hopes up that someone was going to be able to help me, that something was going to get done. And then had those hopes crushed.

And, if you can’t tell from my writing lately, I just can’t handle it any more. I know, it sounds incredibly selfish, but it’s the truth.

I love them, so very much. I miss them with all of my being, and my soul, well, my soul is always going to have this hole in it. Even if, 10 years from now (provided I’m alive then) we are finally over this and have a relationship, this will always be there. I have missed five years, five years of their lives. And counting. Nothing is ever, ever going to make up for that. Nothing is ever going to give us that time back.

Now, his mother is claiming the youngest has Reactive Attachment Disorder, (which, frankly, I doubt for many reasons, but that’s a different rant entirely.) They also claim she has ADHD. And that this is all somehow my fault. (Of course) Um, she wasn’t broken when I left her with you people. And yes, losing a parent from their lives at a young age, can cause problems, but fuck… Don’t you get it?

It didn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way, and these people, well, they make me sick. How can they not see that what they are doing is so wrong? Everything they do makes it worse for those kids. They don’t give a fuck what is best for them, they just care about having control.

These kids are visibly suffering because I am not allowed to be in their lives. How can they not see this? They just want to keep throwing blame on everyone but themselves, instead of trying to, oh, I don’t know, fix the problem. (And, I’m not saying I’m blameless in this, I will be the first to admit I’ve made mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for those mistakes and I live with the consequences of them every fucking second of my life.)

Don’t you think, that if they cared for those kids half as much as they claim to, they would be working with me to find a way for this to work, to find a way to help make this easier on them. Putting their needs first. Instead of lying about everything under the sun, calling me names and telling me what a fucking failure I am while simultaneously destroying the lives of two children. If it were you, and your child was having problems and missing one of their parents, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to fix it?

I left him, not them, and him and his mother need to get over this fucking petty ridiculous bullshit and step the fuck up and do what is BEST for these kids. How can they not realize how much more damage they are doing by wallowing in their hate and self-rightousness?

So, um, yeah, you can see why I shied away from posting a whole long post about the girls and what is going on with them. (Hmmn, wait…)

Nothing I do makes a difference. And I simply can not think about it every second of every day. I will fucking lose it. Selfish, maybe, but I’m also thinking of the family I do have. They need me sane. I will probably write about it here from time to time, because, I need a place to vent. I need to get it out, because otherwise it will eat me alive.

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Filed under The Kid, and The Other Kids., Things That Suck

In Which I Attempt to Talk About Something Other Than Me.

It’s recently come to my attention that there is, in fact, a whole world outside of the confines of my head.  People out there doing stuff. Caring about stuff.  Maybe I should talk about some of that stuff, I thought to myself.

Except I have no idea what any of that stuff is.

So, I turned to the ever helpful Internets for my answer.

Internets, I said, What are the people caring about these days?

Well, there’s a LOT of sports going around. No, not Sporks. Sports. Several of Googles top trending topics involve Pro Football Talk, said the Internets. And apparently some football guy named Tom Brady got married.

Football? I said, Is that the one with the uniforms, and the ball shaped ball?

Sigh, the Internets sighed. How about this “No Easter egg hunt this year” thing?

The picture with the watermelons on the whitehouse lawn?

The very same.

Oh. Um. It’s crappy and in bad taste. And the guy who made it is pretty fucking stupid for sending it out. You know, being a politician and all. Next?

Some chick got lots of piercings? She’s being called the “Most Pierced Woman” The Internets point.

I’ve got more metal in my fillings. Yawn.

Ok, How about this woman whos been married 23 times? She has a Guinness record, apparently.

All that divorcing sounds like hard work. I barely survived one divorce, I can’t imagine dealing with 23 ex-husbands. Also, like how I managed to bring it back to me there?

What about the new discovery of the  increased risk of developing tardive dyskinesia when taking certain…

Internets, I’m going to stop you right there. We all know I’m not allowed to google health problems anymore, and besides, I’ve probably taken every medication ON that list so..*twitch* Shit! See! This is why I don’t pay attention to other stuff!

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Filed under Snark

The Board: MooBunny

I’m not sure why Moo is a pissed off bunny with bad hair and what looks to be a pooping problem, but here we are anyway:

Berries! Berries make me poo!

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Filed under The Board

Things These Fuckers Have Eaten:Part Eleventy Hundre…er Two? Really? OK. Two.

Yep. These fuckers, they are still eating things. I admit, I have been known to perhaps bait them with a screaming monkey now and again:

I can take him....Told you.But these next two, well these two were entirely the fault of the child, who likes to, erm, play with the dogs when she should be sleeping.  And by play, I mean “taunt them with toys until they want nothing more than to eat out the eyes the second she falls asleep”:

Ok, it's actually rather fucking creepy that they only ate his eyes.

Before we found him, stuffed in the box spring, (Yes, the one they ate the fabric off of the first time) We found his eyes.

Man: Hey, um, why is there an eye on the floor right here?

Me: Argh! Fuckers!

Fuckers: We’re going to casually walk behind the couch for a minute. Not sure what we did, but it’s best to look innocent.

Me: !!

Fuckers: It could have been worse. See:

I shall call him Mr. Blind Assless Monkey-Face.Fuckers: We could have eaten his ass and his eyes.

Me: This is me, NOT GIVING YOU A MILKBONE. BAD DOGS!

At this point they both shrugged, and muttered something about being full already anyway. On account of whatever this was, I assume:

Don't ask. One of many random unidentifiable dog casualties.

and a side of carpet:

Argh!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!

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Filed under Snark, The Dogs

Some Non Depressing Stuff

~UPDATED! Now with actual pictures!~

I know lately you’ve been thinking that it’s all about the depressing letters to my lost children and whining about how I. Can’t. Stop. Puking. this week month year lately, And if you are new here you might think I’m one of those people you can only read with a shitload of lithium and enough time for a nap afterward.

But, I promise, aside from the Kids and the Sick, I really DO have other interests. There are other things going on. The dogs are eating new shit every day. And we are making the house a much more fascinating place to be.

For example. This past weekend, we invested in a new plant:THIS IS THE MOST EVIL PLANT IN ALL OF THE UNIVERSE. Don't be fooled by it's innocent appearance. (For a clue about WTF i'm on about, you should be following my inane Twitters. You are missing out on some er, well, some stuff anyway.

Don’t forget to hover over the pictures

Moving on, maybe.

I also got something so thrilling I’m scared to even show you people for fear of it being too much for you.

What? You must see it?

Ah, Ok, I’ll risk it, but you have to promise not to sue me when you fall out of your chair due to the awesomeness of my new…silverware.

Wasn't this worth waiting for?

Yep, it even has a space for our chopsticks. Which we’ve never actually used.

If that is just too much for you, well, you just wait until you see our rocks:

Coming soon:Bushes.

And our dirt:

Yep. That's some dirt, alright.

I know, it’s almost too thrilling to bear.


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Filed under Photos, Rants, Rambling, and Musing.

To My Children:

I love you. That will always be true.  All of you.

I know that this is so very hard sometimes, and I know that you don’t really understand why I am not there, or why you can’t see your sister.

The truth is, I don’t understand it either.

There are days,  where I want to give up.  When it overwhelms me. When I go over and over and over again everything in my mind, wishing I could go back and do things another way, wishing something would give already.

Not a second goes by where I don’t see the way things should be. When I’m with her, I see the place where you both should be. There is this emptiness in me where my children belong, and, I’m sure, a hole in you where your Mother belongs.

The fact that I can’t stop this, that I can’t change this, that I can’t seem to make this right, no matter what I do, well, it kills me.

Sometimes, I admit, I want to hide from it. I want to make it all go away.  Sometimes I can’t even bear to think about it, or talk about it. Sometimes, I am a coward, and I can’t face the pain, and I put it down. And then I realize that that’s not fair to you, so I pick it back up again. Because this isn’t about me, not really.

And then I get angry.  I get angry at them, for making this so much worse for you than it has to be. They could fix this all with a word, they could do the right thing, they could make this better for you. And sometimes I rage for awhile.

But I have to admit,  I’m mostly angry at me. Because I should be able to do something. Moms are supposed to be able to fix things. And no matter what I do, it seems like this will never end. This is something I just can’t seem to fix. I don’t have what it takes to be able to fix this. And I hate myself for it.

But still I try.

And I need you to know just how much I have tried. I need you to know that I didn’t abandon you. I didn’t give up. No matter what they say, this was never how things were meant to be. And someday, somehow, things will be right. I promise.

But for now… I love you. And I’m sorry.

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Filed under The Kid, and The Other Kids., Things That Suck

Because You Need to Know More About my Neuroses

My lower back has been killing me for days. On my left side.

Having kidney stones on that side that have just been hanging out, waiting for the appropriate time to come fuck my life up, I naturally assumed that they were in fact, doing just that.

But now, it’s been awhile, and it hasn’t stopped or moved all that much, so (because I am crazy) I have gone from thinking about it when it hurts to obsessing over it near-constantly.

What if it isn’t a stone and is  something else?

What else could it be?

OMG I AM DYING!

I refuse to Google this, because every time I Google any health problem, ever, it tells me I have cancer and am going to die. And  I can only handle dying of one thing at a time.

Yes, I AM aware it IS  just a kidney stone, or maybe even an oddly uneven backache cause by Twittering too much. Tell that to my crazy brain, okay?


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