I’m having one of those days weeks months where everything has just been wearing on me. It started with the throat-infection-turned-thrush-that-didn’t-die-for-a-month, then the gods threw in a kidney stone, some endless false labor contractions that stillfuckinghurtanyway and my semi-self imposed isolation and family/friendlessness and did I mention my dog pissed on me? I spent four hours the night before last just sobbing. Uncontrollably. And the day before that. And last night. And this morning in the shower.
I’ve been trying to just suck it up for weeks now and deal with it, because I KNOW it’s hormones, mostly, combined with a little residual crazy and multiplied by life and pain and normal crap that I should just ignore. But I can’t. So I’m venting. That’s what blogs and Twitter and Facebook are for sometimes. So I apologize in advance for my whining, but hopefully I’ll feel better afterward.
I haven’t talked to my father in over a year this time. It had been longer before, but then he ditched that wife, and he like, needed me for a few months. Until, apparently he got another wife. Now he no longer needs me, so can’t be bothered to send a card for his grandkids birthdays or you know, my Wedding. Or check on me when he learned that I had a serious illness. Or call me when he’s told by another relative that he’s about to have a grandson, and oh yeah, he lost a grandchild too.
My Aunt called to let me know that she told him I was pregnant. And about my loss. And he had…no reaction.
That just made my week.
That-plus the baby shower my awesome friend was awesomely awesome enough to throw for me, because she knows we don’t have anyone here, only almost no one can come. Three people. Including her. Because everyone else has lives, and friends and family and… I suck.
That’s this afternoon.
I know it’s not personal. Most of me does anyway. I mean, our awesome group gave us an amazing wedding, which was more than anyone could ever have asked for. They all have legitimate reasons for not being able to make it today. I don’t blame them. I’m just sad, because it’s really hitting home how isolated I am. How alone we are.
Since the wedding, I have pretty much seen no one. Talked to no one. One person calls me regularly, and she lives in Texas. Four people made it to the kids birthday party. The last several events I have tried to plan have just…fizzled. Everyone has older kids, all busy with school and various sports/classes/rehearsals as well as family and friends outside of this little group to socialize with. We simply don’t. We moved here, joined this group, and I got sick almost immediately after. I haven’t been able to meet anyone else, and we have no family nearby.
I’m feeling very lonely. And depressed. And I realize more each day, I’m about to have a baby, with no support system nearby. Sometimes I wonder- What was I thinking?
I don’t know what to do. I have tried joining other groups but so far, they have all been dead ends. I don’t know how to even make friends anymore.
How do you meet people?