So, if you have even vaguely been aware of my incessant whining on Facebook and Twitter, you know that my sore throat is in fact a viral thing that got a bacterial infection with thrush on top.
Yeah. Shoot me now. And of course, this took several calls to my doctor and two unnessecary trips to the ER to confirm.
The first trip was suggested when the nurse at my OB asked me if I had any body aches. “Does one leg count?” I said, half jokingly.
Three hours and a leg ultrasound later, and I do not, in fact, have a blood clot.
Great. But what about my fucking throat?
“Oh, its probably something viral, no worries.” Says the ER doc, as he glances in it with no light and no tongue depressor.
I wake the next morning to find my tongue appears to be rotting off.
Exaggeration? Um. Not entirely. It’s fucking gross.
And when I say “wake up” here, I mean finally give up on trying to sleep after being woken up 20 minutes after I fall asleep because I reflexively try to swallow the lump in my throat that is, in fact, my THROAT, because of the swelling. The pain is so bad, I can only imagine it feels like swallowing broken glass must feel like. And this is WITH PAIN MEDICATION. I can’t stress that enough. I can’t imagine how miserable this would be without it.
So three nights of this later, and a day spent Googling strep + rotting tongue, and Google says I either have cancer or the flesh eating virus.
Thanks, Google. Helpful as always.
So of course, it’s Sunday, which means my chances of finding my Doctor are slim to not a fucking hope in hell. So I head back to the express care clinic at the emergency room.
When they ask me what the problem is, I just stick my tongue out.
Four prescriptions later and I need a nap.
And of course, every time I get sick, the Husband rolls his eyes and says, “Every time you get sick, its the sickest you have ever been. “
This time, when I stuck my tongue out at him in response, he goes “Um, holy shit, maybe you should go get that looked at. And also, don’t kiss me. And also: Eww. Ewwww. Ew. ”
People, THIS right here, is why I need the stupid Swine Flu Vaccine. Because, seriously, who gets thrush? As an adult? And a bacterial and viral infection at the same time?
I’m like a magnet for weird health shit.