It’s all Over Rated

So, I wrote this post a while back, (in response to a post that went up over a month ago but I’m like six months behind on blog reading so shut up) listing the  things  that *I* think are over rated.

Then I totally wussed out and didn’t post it, because I realized that there’s probably something on this list that’s going to piss off all twelve of you and my mom.

And even though I tell people who know me in real life that they are not allowed to get angry at me for anything I write on my blog because it’s a blog and I’m probably full of shit or joking anyways, still.

People can’t help it, and when I have things on my list like breastfeeding and natural childbirth, I’m pretty much just asking to be sent nasty emails calling me an evil boob-hating-Office-phobe and having people show up on my doorstep prepared to give birth in my garden tub just to show me how empowering it really is. And I don’t feel like cleaning up after that.

(Do you know how hard it is to get placenta out of the drain?)

So then I thought maybe I would qualify some of my items. Like, maybe I’d explain in detail, how I think breastfeeding is great and all,  (and  i totally think you should be allowed to do it wherever and whenever you damn well please) but I don’t think nursing until your kid is twelve is going to guarantee that kid a spot in Harvard and the ability to speak 34 languages, including a few dead ones.

And, I’d point out that no matter what the formula-is-poison people say, my exclusively formula fed kid is healthy and happy and smart and actually healthier than the kids I DID breastfeed. Who, by the way,  both suck at playing Mozart and can’t conjugate verbs at all and have yet to be accepted into an Ivy League school.

Or, I could write a whole thing about how if Natural Childbirth is your thing then- Awesome! More power to you. You are a masochist stronger woman than I. But hey, I’ve actually tried it, and no amount of marketing can make me say it was  transcendent.  Ever. Or uplifting. Or even especially spiritual. To me, it was no more spiritual than any of my other births, and I actually felt less bonding with that child afterward because I was too busy focusing on the people sewing up my girl parts with no anesthesia and then passing out from the sheer exhaustion and trauma of it all.

But then I realized I was probably over explaining things, and maybe I should give you guys more credit. I’m allowed to have my opinions, right? So, to hell with it. Here goes:

<Hoversnark Enabled>

Mmm.

Breastfeeding.

Here we are. Being unfunny.

The Office.

(and by extension, Parks and Rec)

Go to your happy place! Think about baseball! Become one with your uterus.

Natural childbirth.

Could these things BE any uglier?


The Bumbo.

I prefer to LIVE in reality, thank you. (Ok, that may be a tiny bit of a lie)

Reality TV

"And I looked across the street, and THERE WAS A STARBUCKS!"

Starbucks.

Sure, it’s yummy. Is it worth five bucks a latte and all the hype? No.

"Look, I can't help the fact that they made me look like a huge, sparkly douchebag!"

Twilight.

Yes, I have read the books and seen the movie. Along with a million other vampire stories. Why is this one so special? They sparkle, for fuck’s sake. And the guy that plays Edward in the movies is really rather weird-looking.

La Vida Meh

Coldplay

Yeah, I said it.

" Sorry, I don't speak to the help."

Rachael Ray

She recently asked my friends mom- who is a flight attendant and was trying to take her drink order- “Do you know who I am?” and then announced that she “Didn’t talk to the help,” and that the flight attendant should take the drink order and address any other questions via her assistant.

Dude, you’re a cable TV chef and your books are next to Paula Deen’s. Get the fuck over yourself.

"But I'm a LOVABLE serial killer."

Dexter

Because it needs to be said, again.

Ooo. Shiney,

The IPhone

Just because I haven’t pissed off the tech geeks yet. And because I’m jealous that I don’t have one.

(Is there an app for that?)

"Look, its got pretty colors on it!"

Macs

See above.

My apologies to you, you, you and you. I love you even if you watch the Office and want to give birth in the forest with a badger while sitting in a Bumbo with Rachael Ray as your doula, O.K.?

Oh, for the record- here’s a few things I think are underrated.

Just watch it.

30 Rock.

Mmmm. Pie.

Pie

It's a SPOON and a FORK.

Sporks

I put this together, and I hope that it doesn't fall apart the second I put the kid in it.

Baby Swings

Best. Invention. Ever.

Yeah, I am so not an attachment parent.

Shut up and TRY it already.

Hummus

Robot sex is wrong.

Science Fiction

Killer sex robots, ya’ll. Come on.

"Quick, someone save Jon Stewart, he's our most important Jew!"

Jon Stewart

All news should be broadcast by this man.


The Bloggess Army

Because we’re awesome, assholes.  Or awesome assholes. Either way, it works.

Someone make me a pie already.

Pie

I want to see a site called "LOLBADGER!" immediately.

Badgers

It may be green, but its still awesome.

Guacamole

Anything can be glued to anything,  it's ART, people.

Decoupaging

Gluing shit to other shit  and covering it with glue is the shit!

I know I had more, but I think I need to go eat something now.

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4 Comments

Filed under Blog related Blog Posts., Books, Television, Movies, Music and Other Popular Things., Photos, Rants, Rambling, and Musing., Things That Suck

4 responses to “It’s all Over Rated

  1. justmeandthevoices

    I loved this, and I agree on MOST of your points! Dexter is my favorite show of all time, and my iPhone is totally awesome.

    But oh how I love pie. And 30 Rock.

    And both of my children were breastfed for a mere 6 weeks and then they drank the poison. They’re both straight A students, at the top of their classes.

    Don’t even get me started on natural childbirth. My vagina is hurting just thinking about it. I’d love to have an epidural 24/7.

    🙂

  2. pandorican

    Yeah, seriously, I’ll take my epidural now please.

  3. Becky

    You’re soooo jealous of my iPhone. And Mac. You know you are.

    We tried watching Dexter, I just could not get into
    it. But I love me some pie. With ice cream. 🙂

  4. pandorican

    Totally jealous. Totally.

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