So, I wrote this post a while back, (in response to a post that went up over a month ago but I’m like six months behind on blog reading so shut up) listing the things that *I* think are over rated.
Then I totally wussed out and didn’t post it, because I realized that there’s probably something on this list that’s going to piss off all twelve of you and my mom.
And even though I tell people who know me in real life that they are not allowed to get angry at me for anything I write on my blog because it’s a blog and I’m probably full of shit or joking anyways, still.
People can’t help it, and when I have things on my list like breastfeeding and natural childbirth, I’m pretty much just asking to be sent nasty emails calling me an evil boob-hating-Office-phobe and having people show up on my doorstep prepared to give birth in my garden tub just to show me how empowering it really is. And I don’t feel like cleaning up after that.
(Do you know how hard it is to get placenta out of the drain?)
So then I thought maybe I would qualify some of my items. Like, maybe I’d explain in detail, how I think breastfeeding is great and all, (and i totally think you should be allowed to do it wherever and whenever you damn well please) but I don’t think nursing until your kid is twelve is going to guarantee that kid a spot in Harvard and the ability to speak 34 languages, including a few dead ones.
And, I’d point out that no matter what the formula-is-poison people say, my exclusively formula fed kid is healthy and happy and smart and actually healthier than the kids I DID breastfeed. Who, by the way, both suck at playing Mozart and can’t conjugate verbs at all and have yet to be accepted into an Ivy League school.
Or, I could write a whole thing about how if Natural Childbirth is your thing then- Awesome! More power to you. You are a masochist stronger woman than I. But hey, I’ve actually tried it, and no amount of marketing can make me say it was transcendent. Ever. Or uplifting. Or even especially spiritual. To me, it was no more spiritual than any of my other births, and I actually felt less bonding with that child afterward because I was too busy focusing on the people sewing up my girl parts with no anesthesia and then passing out from the sheer exhaustion and trauma of it all.
But then I realized I was probably over explaining things, and maybe I should give you guys more credit. I’m allowed to have my opinions, right? So, to hell with it. Here goes:
(and by extension, Parks and Rec)
Sure, it’s yummy. Is it worth five bucks a latte and all the hype? No.
Yes, I have read the books and seen the movie. Along with a million other vampire stories. Why is this one so special? They sparkle, for fuck’s sake. And the guy that plays Edward in the movies is really rather weird-looking.
Yeah, I said it.
She recently asked my friends mom- who is a flight attendant and was trying to take her drink order- “Do you know who I am?” and then announced that she “Didn’t talk to the help,” and that the flight attendant should take the drink order and address any other questions via her assistant.
Dude, you’re a cable TV chef and your books are next to Paula Deen’s. Get the fuck over yourself.
Because it needs to be said, again.
Just because I haven’t pissed off the tech geeks yet. And because I’m jealous that I don’t have one.
(Is there an app for that?)
My apologies to you, you, you and you. I love you even if you watch the Office and want to give birth in the forest with a badger while sitting in a Bumbo with Rachael Ray as your doula, O.K.?
Oh, for the record- here’s a few things I think are underrated.
Best. Invention. Ever.
Yeah, I am so not an attachment parent.
Killer sex robots, ya’ll. Come on.
All news should be broadcast by this man.
Because we’re awesome, assholes. Or awesome assholes. Either way, it works.
Gluing shit to other shit and covering it with glue is the shit!
I know I had more, but I think I need to go eat something now.