The Upside to Renting Your Uterus Out to a Human.

I know I have spent a bit of time whining about how much being pregnant sucks. I admit, I am not one of those glowy “I-am-creating-life” preggos.  (I’m more of the grunting-sweaty-breaking-out-and-peeing-myself-when-I-cough variety)

For me, being pregnant isn’t fun. It will never be fun. It’s work and it’s hard and I’m tired. Sure, I love the results, but I could skip the process.  Especially the third trimester.

Having said that, I must admit, there ARE some definite benefits to this stage of pregnancy.

1. Never having to play the “What should I wear?” game.

You have two choices. Muu-Muu one or Muu-Muu two. Or those sweatpants your husband has been threatening to burn.  Yeah, you know the ones I mean.

2. You have an excuse to be an asshole.

( Like we need an excuse)

Feeling cranky in line at the bank? Have the sudden overpowering urge to trip someones kid who is running circles around your table at Applebees? No problem! “Sorry-Hormones!” It’s the only time in your life you can say what you really feel and get away with it. Enjoy it while it lasts.

3. You can eat weird shit.

While you are sprouting the next generation, people have a tendency to ignore even the weirdest food combinations that you happen to be shoving in your mouth. Ever wanted to try a peanut butter and olive sandwich? Now’s your chance. You also have an excuse NOT to eat dinners cooked by well meaning relatives. “Sorry, aunt Edna, The baby won’t let me eat your three week old tuna casserole leftovers. Thanks anyway though.” Or, ” The surgeon general recommends that pregnant woman not eat tofu scrambles due to the risk of astieapriaperiodontis.”

4. You are not allowed to do chores.

Seriously, most doctors will even write you a note exempting you from doing the crap jobs at work and at home.

“Look honey, I want to clean the cat litter. Really I do. But I can’t. Look, I even have a note.”

Get on good terms with your OB and you can get notes getting you out of  just about anything.  Try:“Putting away groceries gives me contractions.” And, “When I fold laundry, my uterus becomes irritable.”

5. People will let you cut them in line for the bathroom.

They also tend to open doors for you, walk your groceries to the car, help you when you are struggling to lift stuff and generally treat you rather well.  I wish people were this considerate all the time. But alas, they aren’t, so take advantage of the fact that when you are pregnant, people, especially men, tend to feel some strange obligation to give you their seat on the bus. Even if you are not hot.

6. You can totally get away with peeing on the floor in public. ( And at home.)

As much of a pain in the ass as the whole “Oh crap, I sneezed and peed my pants!” deal is,  all you have to do to cover it up is look pregnant. When people rush towards you, thinking your water has broken, and try to call you an ambulance just tell them, “Thanks, but driving myself to the hospital is part of my birth plan.

Most men won’t have a clue what the hell that means, but will pretend they do, and will nod wisely and let you go on your way, and most women remember that woman who was in the room next to them “hypno-birthing”  when they were in labor, and are therefore aware that people put some pretty strange shit on their birth plans, so you are good to go there as well.

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