I’d like to think of it as a testament to my parenting skills that I have managed to stay away from blogging while my kids have been here, but really, I just haven’t had the time to spare.
Tomorrow, they leave again, and while saying goodbye to my children always rips out a little piece of my heart and stomps on it, re-opens old wounds that never really close, and generally feels incredibly awful all around, I must admit, I could use a nap. And a few Valium.
This experience has been many things, but humbling is the probably the first word that comes to mind. The ex-in-laws had cautioned me that it was going to be “tough,” and that the kids were “anxious”.
How hard could it be? I thought. These are my kids, and even if I haven’t seen them in over a year and a half, really, how hard could it be? I am their mom. It’s like instinct. Right?
Well, Um. No. I was wrong. Especially when one kid comes with a whole built in set of issues due to her Asperger’s that I was completely unprepared for.
I’m not saying I didn’t figure it out, (Around yesterday at 3pm, approximately)
Or that I didn’t have some wonderful times with my girls. I did. There was plenty of good times and blurred giggling.
But, it was hard. A whole new kind of hard, compounded by the fact that I’m seven months pregnant, and permanantly ill and … well.. cranky.
I had days where I screamed at them. And days where I locked myself in my room and cried. Part of me is ashamed to admit out loud, that I had days where I thought I couldn’t handle my own kids. The only reason I am, frankly, is because I know, know, that I am not the only one who has felt like that.
We all get overwhelmed. Granted, my situation is very different than most, but sometimes, we all want to scream and cry and we all feel like failures for some reason or another.
And sometimes we give in, and vent, and then we go back out and do the best we can with what we have.
So here’s to doing it all over again.
More later, after the goodbyes.