Tomorrow… Part Two.

I’d like to think of it as a testament to my parenting skills that I have managed to stay away from blogging while my kids have been here, but really, I just haven’t had the time to spare.

Tomorrow, they leave again, and while saying goodbye to my children always rips out a little piece of my heart and stomps on it, re-opens old wounds that never really close, and generally feels incredibly awful all around, I must admit, I could use a nap. And a few Valium.

This experience has been many things, but humbling is the probably the first word that comes to mind.  The ex-in-laws had cautioned me that it was going to be “tough,” and that the kids were “anxious”.

How hard could it be? I thought. These are my kids, and even if I haven’t seen them in over a year and a half, really, how hard could it be? I am their mom.  It’s like instinct. Right?

Well, Um. No. I was wrong. Especially when one kid comes with a whole built in set of issues due to her Asperger’s that I was completely unprepared for.

I’m not saying I didn’t figure it out, (Around yesterday at 3pm, approximately)

Or that I didn’t have some wonderful times with my girls. I did. There was plenty of good times and blurred giggling.

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But, it was hard. A whole new kind of hard, compounded by the fact that I’m  seven months pregnant, and permanantly ill and … well.. cranky.

I had days where I screamed at them. And days where I locked myself in my room and cried.  Part of me is ashamed to admit out loud, that I had days where I thought I couldn’t handle my own kids. The only reason I am, frankly, is because I know, know, that I am not the only one who has felt like that.

We all get overwhelmed. Granted, my situation is very different than most, but sometimes, we all want to scream and cry and we all feel like failures for some reason or another.

And sometimes we give in, and vent, and then we go back out and do the best we can with what we have.

So here’s to doing it all over again.

More later, after the goodbyes.

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2 Comments

Filed under The Kid, and The Other Kids.

2 responses to “Tomorrow… Part Two.

  1. Big ((hugs)) to you, and I’d totally sneak you a codeine or two if my dentist hadn’t been such a tight-ass with them last week. Never had valium but the codeine definitely gave ya that couldn’t-give-a-shit feeling 😉

    Get some rest today girlie, I want a post soon on the easier parts of the visit 🙂

    Btw, guess who gets here Sunday night to see me for nearly 2 weeks? Hmmm? 😉 (Hint, it ain’t my kids.)

  2. glummum

    I’m not pregnant and I have my girls year round and I still get fed up with them once in a while and lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I’m 47yo. The way I see it, is that they NEED to see me not perfect. I do not want them to get older thinking I was the perfect mom who had it all together. I don’t. I think it is important to see the bad, as well as the good, and then know that we always come back and give them a hug and say sorry if needed, and I love you always. It’s important for them to know that THEY do not have to strive to be perfect. It is okay to show emotions and have a bad day. It’s normal, it’s life and as long as you get over it eventually, it’s okay. So for me, it’s all about role modeling…..no, I’m not a crazy lunatic, I’m just trying to be a loving, mostly sane mom : )
    ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

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