No one gets out alive.

So far so good as far as my step dad is concerned. They did a craniotomy, and removed the tumor. Tests will take a week or so to see just how bad it was. But they got it all, and left some chemo wafers in there to hopefully keep it from growing back.

And, he woke up, and while he is a little out of it, as can be expected after having 1/2 your head removed, he seems to know who he is and his speech, which they were concerned about as it is controlled by nearby brain functions, seems to be unaffected. Though, it will be hard to tell for sure for a few days yet. My mother, while she had her breakdowns, has been incredibly strong throughout this. When I offered to come down and be with her, she told me No, stay home and gestate. Take care of those babies, we will be fine.

I want to be there, badly. I hope she knows I am there in spirit. Holding my breath. In one moment she told me, “I can’t go on without him. I don’t know what I’ll do.”

I can’t even imagine. Right now the man and I are at a totally different place in our lives, preparing for new life, and yet this fear hovers underneath at all times.

(It’s not helped by watching the series finale of ER the other day, seriously)

Knowing that things can happen in an instant, we still try and pretend that things will be this way forever. That we will have each other forever. With my mother contemplating life without her partner, I couldn’t help but briefly picture a life without mine.

Fuck that.

I can’t imagine. Refuse.

It’s almost a given that I will be the first to go, and I have briefly brought it up-only because I need to legally figure out what would happen to the kid if that did happen unexpectedly- but it’s not something we want to talk about right now, especially with us preparing to bring TWO lives into the world. Still, it lingers, and while being sick is pushed to the back of my mind for the time being, it’s still a  reality.  Something none of us wants to think about. Yet…inevitable.

Not just for me. So please, make the most of the time you have with the people you love. Cherish every second you can, even the crappy ones.  because, in the end, there is always an end.


1 Comment

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One response to “No one gets out alive.

  1. CJ

    Ah hon, sending you big hugs!

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