Conversing with the Universe.

Sometimes, I light candles and sit, yoga style on the floor. I relax and I focus on communing, becoming one with everything around me. I breathe slowly, in and out, counting each breath. I feel at peace.

And sometimes, in those quiet moments, I have conversations with the universe.

The last one went something like this:

Me: So, Universe. I thought I had asked for a break?

Universe: Oh, did you now? I must have missed the memo.

Me: I’m not asking for a million dollars you know, just maybe a day without puke, or poo in some forms. C’mon. Yesterday was like this:

Yes, it IS a bag of poo, literally. (If you must know whats in the bag, mouse hover over the picture.)

Universe: Aw, where is your sense of humor?

Me: (I make my very best Not Amused face here)

Universe: Look,  we gave you shit to be thankful for. Like…puppies!

Me:  Well, the little one got into a fight with my bathmat, (and lost) which was kind of funny:And the winner is...

But then, someone thought it would be a good idea to make me think the gate was closed when it really wasn’t. I know you saw me when I was chasing both dogs several blocks down the street in my pajamas, then dragging them home, literally, because the big one had no collar on. Have I mentioned physical exertion plus stress makes me puke more than normal?  And that the big dog weighs 80lbs or so?

Universe: Well, you did say you wanted more exercise.

Me: …And, yeah, I heard you snickering when I bashed my head on the gate after I locked it. Don’t think I didn’t.

Universe: Oops. <Ethereal Snickering>

Me: Ok, so you were bored. I understand that it can be mildly entertaining to kick people when they are down. I get that. But…the fainting? That’s just cruel.

Universe: You said you needed more rest…

Me: So, um, why the stabbing kidney pains all night long then? And the toilet that keeps randomly overflowing for no apparent reason?

Universe: Have you noticed the weather?

Me: Sigh.

Universe: Look, did you ever think that maybe we were testing you? That, you know, everything happens for a reason?

Me: Yes. And then I spend several hours on the bathroom floor between the toilet and the bathtub. And also,  have I mentioned:Yep, still a bag of poo.

Universe: Suck it up.

Me: Wait, are you trying to tell me to clean my bathroom floor? Cause I already knew that. I didn’t need cosmic guidance for that, that’s what the man is for.

Universe: Heh.

Me: SIGH. Can you at least give me someone to talk to?

Universe: …

Me: And maybe, some flowers and chocolate the next time you fuck me?

Universe: We’ll see.

Me: …

Universe: In the mean time, suck it up.

Me: We’ll see.



Filed under Posts About Poo

2 responses to “Conversing with the Universe.

  1. A guy I work with knows the universe. I’ll have him give it a good talking-to for you.

  2. pandorican

    Thanks, I appreciate it.

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