Sometimes, I light candles and sit, yoga style on the floor. I relax and I focus on communing, becoming one with everything around me. I breathe slowly, in and out, counting each breath. I feel at peace.
And sometimes, in those quiet moments, I have conversations with the universe.
The last one went something like this:
Me: So, Universe. I thought I had asked for a break?
Universe: Oh, did you now? I must have missed the memo.
Me: I’m not asking for a million dollars you know, just maybe a day without puke, or poo in some forms. C’mon. Yesterday was like this:
(If you must know whats in the bag, mouse hover over the picture.)
Universe: Aw, where is your sense of humor?
Me: (I make my very best Not Amused face here)
Universe: Look, we gave you shit to be thankful for. Like…puppies!
Me: Well, the little one got into a fight with my bathmat, (and lost) which was kind of funny:
But then, someone thought it would be a good idea to make me think the gate was closed when it really wasn’t. I know you saw me when I was chasing both dogs several blocks down the street in my pajamas, then dragging them home, literally, because the big one had no collar on. Have I mentioned physical exertion plus stress makes me puke more than normal? And that the big dog weighs 80lbs or so?
Universe: Well, you did say you wanted more exercise.
Me: …And, yeah, I heard you snickering when I bashed my head on the gate after I locked it. Don’t think I didn’t.
Universe: Oops. <Ethereal Snickering>
Me: Ok, so you were bored. I understand that it can be mildly entertaining to kick people when they are down. I get that. But…the fainting? That’s just cruel.
Universe: You said you needed more rest…
Me: So, um, why the stabbing kidney pains all night long then? And the toilet that keeps randomly overflowing for no apparent reason?
Universe: Have you noticed the weather?
Universe: Look, did you ever think that maybe we were testing you? That, you know, everything happens for a reason?
Me: Yes. And then I spend several hours on the bathroom floor between the toilet and the bathtub. And also, have I mentioned:
Universe: Suck it up.
Me: Wait, are you trying to tell me to clean my bathroom floor? Cause I already knew that. I didn’t need cosmic guidance for that, that’s what the man is for.
Me: SIGH. Can you at least give me someone to talk to?
Me: And maybe, some flowers and chocolate the next time you fuck me?
Universe: We’ll see.
Universe: In the mean time, suck it up.
Me: We’ll see.