Hi, My Name Is…

Hi.

My name is Eryn and I was once a blogger. I once had the ability to write interesting -to me, anyway- and sometimes even amusing or informative blog posts. I read other blogs, even interacted with the world by commenting and conversing on a regular basis. Then, I kind of, well, stopped.

And, so…Today, I’m going to go on a long explanation/rant/confession spree, complete with several f-bombs, ’cause it’s just been that kind of week- so brace yourself, or click away.

So, here’s where I’ve been: First, as you probably know already, (since like, only my mom is still reading this,) I got sick. Well, sicker. And while I was getting sicker,  I started to realize that most of what I was writing was, well, shit. Sometimes literally. And so I thought- “No one really wants to hear about how I got so sick I shit myself in the shower here.” Or, um on Facebook for that matter. (Again, sorry about that, Mother-in-Law, and great-grandpa.)

So, I decided to stop writing here until I had something less depressing to say. Something witty, or informative or… Whatever. Something less shit-related. I figured I’d come up with something good for you eventually. Contrary to popular belief, my life isn’t ALL about the shit.

Required Cute Baby Picture Here.

Though, granted, there IS a LOT of shit involved with the care of that one too. But he is cute, so it is okay.

Anyway… the plan was to write more when I had constructive things to write about that were not about my shitty healthy and my shitty shower escapades. And I fully intended to get right on that.
But then we moved.
And I got new doctors. New doctors that decided that since I’m in chronic pain I MUST be depressed, and therefore started playing a six-month game of what I like to call “musical meds” with me.
I’m no stranger to depression. I was your typical depressed teen for quite some time back in the day. (Fuck, I’m old now too. When did that happen?) Anyhow, I know what it feels like. I know the symptoms. I know when I need help. And I know when to ask for it.

And after I had Elijah and got diagnosed with maybe-probably-whofuckingknowsanymore-RA, I DID need help. When we went in for his month check up and the family doctor asked how *I* was doing, and I burst into tears, we put me on some meds.

The plan was six months of meds, while the PPD hormone storm calmed and I’d adjusted to the new pain level.
And then I’d go off, because really, the last thing I need is a sixteenth medication to add to the pile of toxic shit I have to ingest on a daily basis. Honestly-As long as my pain is controlled, I’m actually NOT depressed much. Sure, I have days, but EVERYONE does. That’s life. I have a wonderful husband, awesome kids, and things really are… GOOD other than MY health. Which I’m coping with.

So, that was the plan and I was ok with it.

And then we moved.

Yes, it always comes back to that.

Moving fucked me. No, really…Moving was awesome in so many ways, but totally set my medical progress back a year, at least.

We got here and the new doctors all had different opinions on what I have/don’t have and should/shouldn’t be on and I swear to the gods they are going to end up fucking killing me or making me kill myself  or somemotherfucker is getting a spork in the eye if they don’t all get on the samegoddamnnedpage soon.
(Hmmn. Perhaps statements like that one are why they keep forcing meds on me?)
Pardon, I um, digress.
The point:
In all seriousness, I didn’t even realize something was seriously wrong in my head until I had a pregnancy scare and stopped taking the happy meds the latest quack decided I must need. (Sidebar: Apparently not eating for three months can cause you to have a 31-day late period. Who knew? Well, bulimics, probably)
Anyway, without the brain meds I suddenly realized that my mind had been gone for, like at least the last six-months. And I didn’t even realize it. I was walking and talking and acting like a normal human, but inside? I wasn’t home. I didn’t CARE about anything. No passion, no real emotion. So why would I write about anything?
And that, my friends, is, pardon the term: Fucking Scary.

Pretty much the instant that I came off of the antidepressants, I WANTED to write again. I want to leave the house again.(working on that one still) I want to…Participate in these global conversations again. Live my damn life again. ( Disclaimer: Some people DO WONDERFUL ON THEM AND NEED THEM. Some people actually have chemical imbalances or other issues, like, perhaps actually BEING depressed. I am NOT advocating anyone stopping any meds here, just sharing MY personal experience. So don’t sue me, assholes.)

During all of this, I had yet another revelation. I realized that I truly don’t give a fuck if I sound whiny or bitchy or have to many health problems for my, um three-ish readers that are still here. This is my personal blog, uncensored and agenda free. If you don’t like it, go read Dooce or something. Cause I ain’t PC, I say “fuck” entirely too much, I won’t sponsor ads or promote horrendous shit you don’t need to buy on my personal blog. I don’t care that you know I’m a Pagan who has spanked my kids bottoms from time to time and really really hates your stupid bumper stickers. I don’t even care if you think so-called-mommyblogging is exploiting our children.
That’s crap, by the way. (Since I somehow got to THIS subject from um… wherever the hell I was in that last paragraph, I’m just going to go with it) MOST of us writers who happen to also be parents, we do this, not to make a buck, or embarrass our kids,or be attention whores. ( Note the most I had to throw in there) We do this because we have to. If we didn’t,I truly think we’d all be insane. Because parenthood, and LIFE for that matter, can be an isolating, fucking terrifying thing. And the “blogosphere” (Have they come up with a better term yet? I really hate that word.) is a community. We may not all agree on working/staying home, breast/bottle spank/no spank, but so fucking what? I’ve seen what can happen when we all work together and it’s an amazing, awesome thing. Lives have been changed for the better. Motrin has been humiliated.  People’s minds have been expanded and enriched. And we gain comfort, in knowing that we are not alone.  So, I, my friends am here to stay. In my mind, in my life, and yes, in the “blogosphere” (gag)

My other project, now THAT has an agenda, an awesome one, at that, but here?

Here I’m just myself. Fuck it.

15 Comments

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15 responses to “Hi, My Name Is…

  1. Wait, is there such a thing as saying ‘fuck’ too much? Wow… I’m probably there with ya.

    I’ve thought many times about starting a personal blog… but I don’t know that I have ANYTHING to write about that would even amuse me. heh Maybe someday… I could talk about dogs and cats instead of kids.

    As far as depression. WAY too many doctors are quick to prescribe a medication instead of track the real problem (and a doctor in Houston diagnosed me bi-polar. I finally stopped going to see them when I’d talked to some other people and did some research. I only suffer depression, I don’t need extra meds that won’t do me any good). Unfortunately, I think part of that is because of so many drug commercials putting commercials out and telling people “Ask your doctor about our medication that you likely don’t really need, but they’ll prescribe for you because you asked for it.” Way too many people are asking for medications and doctors are happy to oblige… it gets us through the doors ‘quicker’, in and out with just a prescription and a co-pay.

    I KNOW I suffer from depression, and I’ve had to try a lot of different medication to get the one that actually worked for me. I had the ‘zombie Kat’ for a while, and the over emotional Kat, etc. The doctor finally got it and I’ve been using it since. But I’ve also got a HUGE family history of mental illness (two family members with schizophrenia, most of the rest are bi-polar, a few are ‘just’ depression. Yeah, thanks Mom! :P heh). And I work on the medication. Take me off and I’m bad, and never get better. heh

    YOU know what works and what doesn’t work for you, and I’m glad you’re taking some control of it. So many people say “Well, my doctor says I need it so I must.” No, not always. You know your own body better than your doctor does, and you know how you’re feeling on medications. If it doesn’t work, ya tell them… if they fight you on it, you try another doctor… at least I do. I’m not adverse to changing doctors until I find one that isn’t a ‘drug pusher’. :)

    • Eryn

      Yeah, after the weekend I just had, I’ve got a new primary already. Ask me about MY Friday sometime. Actually ask Steve, since I have zero memory of it.

      • Good. It’s a little tricky finding a good doctor in Houston, but I had finally found one… about a year before we moved. heh Went through about 4 doctors before that. *hugs* Good luck! You’ll find someone, just stick to your guns!

      • Eryn

        This message has self destructed.

      • Eryn

        And…I think I need bigger guns.

      • Apparently you can only reply so far. hehe

        I wish I could give you a recommendation… having lived on the north side of town (Spring), that’s a bit of a drive for y’all, on top of not remembering the doctor we saw (although I could probably find it, she had the most bizarre name, and I believe it started with a G. hehe Yeah, I know, helpful). I only remember my gyno, and that’s mostly because I’m still thankful to that woman for agreeing to do a tubal on me at age 28 with no kids. :)

        I do know that all of the little ‘clinics’ I went to around town sucked. Got into an argument with one of the first doctors I saw there. I had a chest cold, I KNEW it was a chest cold, I know my body… he tried to tell me my ‘breathing issue’ was the fact that I smoked. I told him no, that wasn’t the problem, this came on suddenly. He said that if it was a cold, I wouldn’t actually have a problem with the breathing test thing they gave me, but that I would and it would prove that he was right. (youngish doctor). He sent the nurse in to do administer the test, I did it, the nurse said it was good and he went back out to tell the doctor. I wait about 20 minutes and the nurse came back again, with the machine, and said the doctor wanted me to do it again (and seemed annoyed, although not with me. I have a feeling the doctor told him ‘You must have done it wrong, do it again.’). I did it again with the same result. The nurse laughed and went back out. The doctor showed up another 20 minutes later, handed me two prescriptions, one for antibiotics and one for a decongestant and sent me on my way, no apology, no concession. I never went back there. heh

        I found the last, and good, doctor I went to there through a coworker. Ask around, check with your neighbors (I bet they’ll be happy to give you a recommendation on who to, or not to, use. heh You’ve got good neighbors from what I saw, let them help a bit), maybe have Steve ask around with his coworkers. Matter of fact, that’s how I also found my doctor here (before I switched just recently, nothing really wrong with my doctor, but she tends to do more morning and daytime appointments which doesn’t work for me, and the head doctor in the practice is WAY too ‘holistic’ for my likes.. well, and they changed their office from ‘right down the street’ to ‘the other side of town in a not so great neighborhood’ and I’m sick of driving down there), through a coworker.

        *hugs* for you AND for your Mom. Y’all have been through a lot… you’ll make it, I’m sure. Depression is hell, but if you know how to deal with it, you do alright. And it sounds like you, Eryn, have gotten the ‘I will get the help I deserve’ attitude from your Mom. :) <3

  2. Laura

    I thought if I found you on FB that I would get to know you better..and I was not mistaken. What I realize is that there is whole lot about you that I do not know. I am sorry that I have not been a better neighbor! I always tell myself that I will find more time to go out and visit with everyone…then I go to work, study, help kids with homework, cook, clean, etc…somehow I never manage to have the energy! lol. Maybe we can go out to lunch sometime?

    • Eryn

      Lunch sounds good. I apologize though, I wasn’t intending to unload on neighbors with this one….I usually limit my blog postings to certain groups, but hadn’t grouped you yet. Or the rest of the neighbors. Um, crap. Sorry neighbors.

      • Laura

        I didn’t consider it unloading. Sorry if I read something you didn’t intend to share though. Just gave me a better understanding of who you are and where you are coming from. I am looking forward to having lunch! :-)

  3. LA

    As I sit here in agony at around 2 am, due to a possible herniated disc in my neck, I can feel your pain my dearest and only daughter. I am sorry about the depressive gene I contributed to. I would take it back if I could. After my own 4 year “medical mystery tour”, it breaks a mom’s heart to see her child suffer like you have.
    The eternal question is “are you depressed because your life sucks or does your life suck because you are depressed? The answer can be: neither, both or a combination of the two. In my own case it is all of the above. I have been depresses, clinically, for all of my life. Just like diabetes, my body suffers from a chemical imbalance that creates an imbalance of chemicals, requiring me to take medication to adjust these chemicals. I was lucky in that I found the right medication after only a few tries that helps me control the depression without turning me into a zombie. This I diagnosed before my illness that caused my fibromyalgia and other age related issues. When I first became ill, I was at my wits end trying with the help of 4 useless, ass covering, insensative Drs and one so called “quack” who eventually listened to my own medical research and gave me the meds that help conntrol the fibro.
    I fought long and hard to get to a good place medically, with the fewest meds to achieve a balance that allowed me to live as normal a life as I could. Then my knee crapped out and the meds they gave me for the pain after a total knee replacement, caused 2 bouts of diverticulitis. All this while dealing with Bruce’s diagnosis of terminal Brain cancer! Did all this make me depressed? The answer is no. It made me sad and sometimes frustrated and “crazy” with helplessness. And afraid—very afraid. It has taken some time, but I finally re-invented myself yet again and found a new balance point. For the last few months everything has been tolerable. I have been riding a wave of wellness, almost afraid to do anything to upset my hard earned hiatus from hell! I am blessed that B is well for now, the knee works, and I can keep my colon, all of which make me glow with gratitude! Now, in the course of a few weeks, my left neck, arm elbow & wrist decide to betray me. I, having many years medical, holistic and personal experience with the f***ed up disgrace of a “medical” syatem, suspect a damaged disc in my neck! I find myself starting all over with the Dr visits, tests, pain meds and fear of loosing my job! I do, at least have found a great Rhumatologist who listens & cares about my well being.I am more than a little bummed and saddened by this setback. I have allowed me a day or 2 for a pity party then I have to start all over again and find a new balance in order to to achieve wellness.
    As for your horendous situation in trying to find out what’s wrong with you, I beg you to not give up! Drs hate it when they cannot pinpoint and fix a problem. Their egos and gereral urge to “cover their asses” makes them often turn things around and make you feel that you are crazy or drug seeking, anything to keep them from having to admit that they just don’t know what is wrong. Please do not take this personally and do not buy into their bullcrap! You are the master of your body and you are your own best advocate. If one Dr is not doing his/her job, then by all means fire them and find another who will listen to you. If one antidepressant makes you numb after you have given it a fair try, then try another. You cannot live a good life in a chemically induced daze and you sure do not have to “live” counting pain pills. They are to be considered poison only to be used in extreme times. Hopefully the next test will find out what is causing your pain & suffering. If it doesn’t , then you may need exploratory surgery to take a real time look at things to diagnose what is causing the problem. Do not settle for less. If they still can’t/ won’t help you, consider a medical advocate. This is a professionally trained person, with medical and legal training who can help you and “persuade” the drs that they need to focus ofn helping you heal yourself instead of passing the buck or blaming you for being sick. Getting well is a hard thing. Staying well and being the best you can be is even harder, but you owe it to yourself, your children and to your husband. I Love You and I wish/pray/hope you well!

  4. Eryn

    Mom- Deal.
    Laura- I have no qualms about sharing, If I did, I wouldn’t blog at all. I just feel bad for subjecting the neighbors to visuals of well.. things like… this – http://pandorican.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/212/

    Kat, the neighbors have ALLLLLLLL given me suggestions.They are great!

  5. LA

    Hello there. Well I was right. Had two discs, one pressing on spinal cord, the other on the nerve to the left side. Went for fast track fusion surgery about a week and a half ago. Excellent Dr but again Hospital was a mess, I could have had less problems with same day surgery. So, immediate relief to all left arm symptoms! Yay! Back felt fine no collar- just told to take it easy till Dr retd from vacation. I did not like the Saran Wrap-like cover to the bandage on my neck ( I cant even wear necklaces of turtle necks) So nurse told me I could take it off- still have 1 more layer of stitches to be removed tomorrow.
    Then, on Thurs while taking Buzz Lightyear to the ver for his condo physical, I did something stupid and unthinking. Getting into car while checking cell phone messages and trying to put on seat belt simultaneously. (Old people should NOT multiTask!,,I pulled something that caused the entire RIGHT side to revolt! You can imagine, I am not amused. I am back to walking the floors at night and taking the pain meds(I had not taken more that 2-3 since surg-I hate the things). Just waiting to see the doc on Monday (tomorrow).
    What can I say? Only that I refuse to leave the Happy Place and dive into the darkness of despair again…..
    To be continued unless E cuts me off :)

  6. LA

    Well Eryn, I come as a harbringer of hope. You just hang in there and I promise you that things will get better. It;s been a rough few weeks for me too and ever..so..slowly…I am feelling better both physically and emotionally.
    It’s a very hard thing to have real pain (sometimes from multipal sources) AND also to be in “The Dark Place” as well. You stop trusting yourself and cannot figure out what comes from which source. I found myself just withdrawing ( I read about 10 Kindle books) and sleeping (a lot!). I do not have children to chase though, and I remember well the years alone raising you when I tried desperately to wear “the mask” so as not to cast my dark shadows on you- well that didn’t work too good did it? I am so sorry my sweet child for any part I (or the former “We”) had in your development of negative feelings. I know genes can’t be controled, but I do know that you still have a huge choice when it comes to how you deal.
    Your friend is right about the medical system- it sucks! They rely on the quick fix way too often…..BUT remember that sometimes, medication is needed. You know that depression is as real as diabetes, the body does not handle seratonin properly. I have been on meds for many years, and have weaned off several times just cuz I don’t like taking so many meds, and every time I cut the zoloft, within a week I get weepy; at 2 weeks I’m sobby; at three, I’m back on the meds! Oh well. It is what it is.
    I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for not giving up and for making the best of an awful situation and most of all, trying to be the best mom you can be.
    Hopefully, (if I still have a job!!! )We will get out to visit sometime soon and meet all these great neighbors you have. I have forgotten a time where one felt a sense of community and actually got involved with neighbors. As you know, Florida (at least this area) is very closed- I suspect it is the transience and what I call the New York effect.
    My Love to you all! Have a great week, and don’t you forget to laugh; it is my greatest gift to you, our sense og humor.

    Love
    Me

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